Guys – you can stop reading right now and just flip to the jobs section because I am going to devote this article to the women of our industry. And some parts of what I going to discuss may not be pretty.  In the past 9 or so years as an industry recruiter and consultant, I’ve learned a lot about what makes people tick. From managers I’ve heard complaints, stories, excuses, and heroic efforts to make things work for themselves and others. I’ve spent a lot of time talking folks out of trees, so to speak, and a lot of time providing them a place to vent. It has been a fascinating window in to people’s psyches. Over half of those people are women. And as you can imagine, there is a great difference between men and women in what they do, want, think and vent about. And there is a huge gap between the two when it comes to overall industry advancement[1]  and in my opinion, much of that gap is attributable to the self-imposed constraints, or limitations, women place on themselves. These constraints often lead to great professional frustration for women.

Disclaimer! Now before everyone jumps all over me, let me state that I am referring only to those limitations over which women actually have control, whether they realize it or not.  I’m not referring to responsibilities placed on us by children, elderly parents, illness, or the like. Men and women both have these types of constraints (though it is my observation that, overall, it is the women who will make the needed sacrifices – even for in-laws). This article does not apply to all women, but I believe it will apply to a significant number in our business. And based on my conversations with these women over the past several years – so do they.   Be advised, this article will not be PC, but since when has that stopped me?

So, let me go through some of the limitations which women place on themselves that I have observed first hand and many times over. We’ll also discuss how they can overcome these roadblocks to reach their professional goals.

First Limitation: Many of us are enablers.  An enabler is defined as

“The significant person in an alcoholic's or drug addict's life that contributes to the afflicted person's continued use and abuse of the substance…”

Now, think of our industry as the addict. Women often supply this “addict” with the “drug” for which it has an insatiable appetite: Cheap Labor. Many women will work harder and longer than others in their office without asking for a raise or a reduction in workload, because allowing themselves to be consumed by community management fulfills their need to be needed. They become, in effect, the enabler who is co-dependent on the nature of community management. The ever-needy community association feeds an unending cycle for those who need to be needed.

On the surface, it may appear that this behavior actually works, and it may for a few individuals. But this needy cycle is very detrimental to the upward mobility of many women managers. These women have a tendency to work for below-market wages and put in an above-average amount of time. First, this creates unrealistic expectations on the part of associations, who think that all managers will provide a level of service far above that for which they are paying, and is a contributing factor to the overall devaluation of community management services. Secondly, the co-dependent manager finds it much easier to keep the status quo by either not being aware of, or asking for, appropriate remuneration or an appropriate   workload. On the rare occasion when the manager decides to go for a promotion, or a new or better paying position, she finds herself on the low end of that pay scale there as well. Why? Because if they are working for 30% below their market value,  that’s about where they will end up relative to their new position. One cannot go from being vastly underpaid in one position to making the top salary in the next position. Thus – the enabling cycle feeds the cycle of service devaluation, which keeps the enablers from achieving their full professional potential. Women should look for this problem within them and address it head on. It takes time to change this behavior, but the first step is to recognize it.

Second Limitation: Inability to recognize – or articulate - their true job responsibilities. I cannot recount to you how many résumés of female managers, especially portfolio managers but some on site managers as well, I have to send back to the candidates instructing them to tell me a bit more than “inspect property” and “attend Board meetings.” When I point out the need to present themselves with specifics on what they REALLY do, I’m often met with “Oh, I’m not good at selling myself,” or, “I don’t know what to say…”

Many, many women fail to recognize the important aspects of their job, and to articulate those aspects simply because they think it’s bragging. Letting others know what your job responsibilities are and how good you are at them is not “tooting your horn.” It’s telling it like it is. Women, you must face up to the fact that no one will do this for you but you. It’s not boasting. It’s how you get ahead in your own firm or in the industry or business in general. Women need to recognize and be confident in their skill set, and the presentation of their skill set.  This limitation is one that is wholly fixable, yet one that plagues many.

Third Limitation: The need to be liked. It is my observation that men don’t have a big need to be liked. If they are getting paid, doing their job, moving forward, they are ok even if someone in their office, or even their boss, doesn’t like them. Women, on the other hand, have a sense of disharmony if they aren’t liked, and if they sense that someone doesn’t like them, they will often go in to “people pleasing mode.” This people-pleasing aspect of women’s personalities is one of the things that make women great managers. It is also what will make them stay late, not put in for time off or overtime, and do things for their clients that are out of contract and generally place a Welcome Mat on their foreheads.  This mode keeps them from asking for a raise or promotion because they fear they will be disliked.  This people-pleasing-need-to-be-liked feeds right in to the enabler within and the needy communities we manage… and the cycle continues.

I want to be liked just like the rest of my gender. When I come home from a speaking engagement and read my reviews – what do I focus on? The two out of 100 people who were critical of my performance. I have come to realize one simple fact, and I urge all women to realize this as well: Not everyone is going to like me or you.  And that is ok. Spending precious emotional energy worrying about one person not liking you is a great way of holding yourself back emotionally and professionally.  Accept and embrace this fact. Not only will you feel better, you’ll be more productive, and far more able to move forward professionally.

Fourth Limitation: Guilt. I have a friend whose husband describes her as “feeling guilty about a glass of water.” Yes, ladies this is a burden we all suffer from, some of us more than others. Because we have “never-ending” jobs, many defined by relatively open-ended contracts, constantly working – or giving – to our clients is an easy trap in which to fall. We feel guilty if we aren’t living up to our own impossible standards of performance, we feel guilty if we ask for a raise or appropriate workload, and guilty if we can’t get it all done (an irony in a business where the job never IS done).

Guilt plays a role not only in how we perform in our current jobs, but it is often a major stumbling block when women want to advance professionally because – surprise! – They must leave their current position for another. The enormous guilt many women feel about leaving their companies (and leaving friends that they perceive will be overworked by their absence) and about “leaving” their Boards stop many women from professional advancement. Listen: Get over yourself! Yes, it may be difficult for your boss to find another manager like you who will give 110%, but that is NOT your problem. [2] If it were, you’d be running the company. And let me clue you in on a fact about Boards: They may like you, but when you leave, they don’t pine for you. Really. 

Fifth Limitation: Attachment to a specific comfort zone. Many women are fearful of what is outside their immediate realm of experience – their comfort zone. These women much prefer the devil they know to exploring a lesser-devil (Read: new situation) they don’t know, because they don’t want to step out of that comfort zone.

I find that many women who have lived in one place a long time, safe and cloistered among close friends and family, and have either worked at the same place a long time or have had the same type of job for many years become overly attached to their office, home, co-workers, what have you.  Women who have had some sort of a trauma in their lives and have found their “safe spot” are even less likely to explore new situations. Based on my conversations with women who face this limitation, they still experience severe professional frustration because they know they can’t get out of the comfort zone.

In our business, attachment to a specific comfort zone is very detrimental to our upward mobility. Upward mobility equals change, and that can be that in area, office, company, home, or all of the above.  One of our main avenues to higher pay and more responsibility is to move to the on site world – and hopefully to the large-scale on site world. Site managers know that to get to the best positions, they must be willing to relocate on a regular basis. Women who become overly attached to a specific comfort zone are holding themselves back from entering this world.

Sixth Limitation: Fear of confrontation.   Many women dread confrontation. But there can be no change, no movement, and no growth without some clash of ideas. For example – let’s say you have a very micro-managing Board, and they take up dozens of unnecessary hours of your time. If you hate confrontation, you’ll probably just suck it up and spend those countless hours enabling that Board. But if you want to change that behavior, or change how you deal with it, it will take a certain amount of confrontation between you and them. Out of that “confrontation” will be borne either a new mode a behavior from them, you, or a combination of the two.

In learning to better cope with confrontation in the professional world, remember that confrontation is not always a negative thing. In fact, confrontation often leads to better understanding and compromise.  For those women (and others) who fear confrontation above all, professional advancement will be severely stunted.

Seventh Limitation: Fear of success.  As you can imagine, it’s very difficult for me to understand a fear of success as I am so competitive, but I see it nearly every day. Many women (subconsciously, I believe) do not wish to become overly successful because 1) They fear overshadowing their significant other, and 2) They’ll feel like a fake (“I don’t really belong here because I’m not that good.”).

I’m going to leave # 1 alone. There’s not much I can do about significant others who are threatened by the success of their partners, except to say that women should make sure they aren’t the ones placing that on their spouses, and not the other way around.

# 2… I’m not going to leave alone. Many women refuse to recognize their value in this profession, so  when a promotion comes their way, or a job that offers a significant leap forward in money and/or responsibility, they aren’t really worthy.  This self-doubt makes the decision to accept a promotion or change jobs even more difficult. Even if these self-doubters do make the leap to change jobs or accept that promotion, their first months in the job are often less productive because that self doubt continues to plague them in to their new situation. 

Eighth Limitation: Worry over what others think. Over the years I have learned that what others think is fleeting, thus today’s news is tomorrow’s fish wrap, and we women spend a lot of time judging our self-worth on what someone else thinks.  Being fearful of what others think is what keeps many of us from reaching for the stars.  Again, get over yourself! No one thinks about you that much but you.  You aren’t that important to other people. But you should be that important to yourself. The real question is: What do YOU think?

I think President Theodore Roosevelt – outdoorsman, statesman, and definitely one-of-a-kind American, summed it up best for us:  “I care not for what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do!”

It’s a Girl-Thing. I can’t help the way I was raised, and neither can you. For those of us in the 40-and-over-crowd, the mixed signals we were sent by our parents and society in general are really something to behold. Be a parent, don’t be a parent. If you’re a girl and you’re smarter than boys, you won’t find one to marry. A career isn’t fulfilling as being a parent or wife. Being a wife or parent isn’t as fulfilling as having a career. You aren’t good enough. You are too good.  I personally received these mixed signals from my own mother well in to my 40’s, and I have written this article because I want more women to realize what may be holding them back from achieving their career goals. When we recognize what those self imposed limitations  are and face them head on we are free to make the changes needed to help us on the professional path we choose,   not one that  is assigned to us by our own constraints.

“The Girl Thing.” I use this term in my office on a regular basis when I deal with women suffering from the “8 Limitations.”  Although I sympathize with their seemingly insurmountable obstacles, I can’t help but observe – and point out to these women - that so many of those “obstacles” or “limitations” are self-imposed. What I routinely counsel them to do is: “Think like a guy.” Guys seldom suffer from my  8 Limitations.  

And sometimes, it dawns on these affected women that, well, yeah, maybe they ARE putting too much emphasis on (guilt, worrying about what others think, fear of the unknown… whatever). And sometimes, just sometimes, they make that leap – promotion, changing companies, going on site – and call me later to tell me how much they love their new position, and they should have taken the leap long ago.

And when I hear that from you, ladies, it makes my day.